Saturday, April 11, 2009

Date #3: Five Food Guy

I met this guy through my first “20 dates in 20 weekends” ad. I put the ad out the same afternoon I had been out with the cult leader, and the next evening, I met the five food guy for a date. He seemed to be in a bit of a hurry to go out with me, which had been initially bewildering, but after a few times around, I realized this sense of urgency was pretty normal.

This is how it works if you are W4M on Craigslist: You post an ad, and within the first hour, you get 10 to 20 people emailing you. Some send pics with their emails, some only ask for pics in their first emails. Some question whether or not you are a Spambot. You then go through a blitzkrieg of mad emailing back and forth, some of them try to message you, some just comment on your project as a “game”. Either way, on average, you end up with a bunch of guys who all want to be first, or last. Not surprisingly, they are all looking at this as a competition. It is the same as when you are sleeping with more than one guy at a time (hypothetically speaking, of course). They always ask if they are 1) bigger, and 2) better than the other guy(s). I know that as a woman, my natural tendency should be to protect his feelings and tell him he is the best, but the real secret is that it is to your advantage to tell them that the other guy(s) are better. They tend to work harder. Just a little FYI for ya, and you’re welcome.
The emailing with the Five Food Guy was interesting enough, he sent pics, he seemed pretty normal, but he had one horrifying flaw: he was a Dallas Cowboys Fan. I figured I could overlook this for the sake of science, but I warned him not to disparage my Bears.
I met Five Food Guy at the entrance to my complex, as many of my friends and relatives expressed their extreme concern for my safety when I told them about this project. I had the unfortunate bad luck of conducting this social experiment right around the time the woman had been killed by a man she met on Craigslist. 
He was driving a Jeep, and he got out of the car so I would know it was him. We decided to go a few blocks down to the nearest McMenamins, where I figured it would be easy to find something to eat. McMenamins is a Portland phenomenon which began in 1983, has spread to over 50 locations in the northwest, and is significant because the two brothers, Mike and Brian, were among the first to start the Microbrew movement in the Northwest, and have built an empire by taking over decaying old abandoned properties and turning them into amazing and wonderful places to drink a lot, eat, sleep, and maybe even watch a movie.
As we began driving, he immediately impressed me by telling me that I had ended my ad with a prepositional phrase. People who understand grammar and spelling thrill me because they can be articulate even if they aren’t interesting or smart.
It was quite late for Sunday dinner in Portland, and the restaurant was pretty much empty. We sat down and started to peruse the menu, and I suggested Tater Tots, figuring that everyone likes them. It was then that he told me that he was a picky eater and that he DID NOT LIKE TATER TOTS!!! The Dallas Cowboys thing started to make sense to me. I then suggested the hummus platter. He asked me what hummus was, and after I told him, he told me the main problem with hummus was the Garbanzo Beans. I decided to order the hummus plate and told him he could eat the bread. He seemed happy with that. I was beginning to feel like the one wearing the pants at the table. He then described to me the things he ate:
1) Meat, but only lean meat, and bacon, but only well done.
2) Cheese, but no cheese with mold or fungus (I decided against telling him how cheese is made)
3) Bread
4) Green Beans, preferably out of a can
5) Potatoes, but not fried, because he did not like oil

I asked him if he was concerned that he didn’t eat vegetables. He told me potatoes and green beans were vegetables. He also informed me that he never got sick. Actually, he didn’t really look that unhealthy, not counting the slight double chin and almost unnoticeable spare tire around his middle. As I sat across the table and talked to him, I was sure that he was also aware of the lack of electricity in the air. I might as well have been talking to an uncle……who I see all the time……because he stops by my place unannounced…..with leftover tuna casserole.
The discussion was getting a bit dull, so I asked him why he liked the Dallas Cowboys. I was assuming he like them because of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. His answer was well, amazing, and once again, left me feeling as though I was the one at the table wearing the pants. He liked the Cowboys because they have a big star on the side of their helmet. Now, I consider myself to be a modern woman, but this is a chick’s reason to like a football team. There. I said it and I am not going to apologize, because it is true, and that is why it is funny. After this, he drove me back to the entrance of my complex and as I was getting out of his car, he told me he wanted a hug……outside of the car. I agreed, and walked, somewhat nervously, around to the back of his Jeep, reached out to hug him, and realized he was giving me an “A-frame” hug.
I think that last bit speaks for itself.

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