There are times in your
life when bad things rain down on you like hellfire. It is during these times
where you just have to keep your head down, remember who you are, and look for
the light at the end of the tunnel. Very recently, the universe decided to test
my grit and throw some shit my way that would push anyone to the limits of
reason. Of course I am aware that nothing “happens” to anyone; I have had a
hand in bringing everything that has befallen me onto my head, and as the
truest of my friends have reminded me, this is what happens when you are the
man.
I think I have mentioned
earlier in my blog that I am an asshole. If I haven’t, I am stating this fact
now. Clearly, there are issues I am working out still that keep me from being
as kind to people as I could be. So, last week, my wasband called me at work to
let me know what a horrible person I was for sending him the link to my blog.
(I told you, I am clearly an asshole). He went on and on telling me that I
wasn’t the person he used to know, that I would have never done this to someone
when he knew me, that basically, I am a shitshow. I am sure you can imagine. I
told him I agreed, I was sorry, I made a mistake, and that I was fucked up. I
admitted all of this to him, but he would not let up, and at a certain point, I
had to hang up on him. Yes, again, I know. I am not kind. Well, it doesn’t
really stop there.
While I cannot go into
the exact details of this, something at my job exploded in my face, making a
workplace that I have loved quite hard to work in. Basically, I caught a co-worker
stealing and came forward with the information.
When my boss confronted him, instead of owning up to it, he instead
disparaged me by telling her that I was having sex with one of his employees,
some of the students at the University where I work, and I, myself, was guilty
of stealing. Typical; accuse a man of
theft and he calls you a whore. Instead
of firing him, she kept him on and started investigating his allegations, which
unfortunately bought him enough time to steal more stuff and make my life at
work incredibly difficult to bear. Again,
in this situation, I did things to bring this about; I knew there would be
consequences for my actions, but, I partook in them anyway, believing my
actions to be in the name of justice. Somehow I had forgotten that justice is
blind (or is that love?). Either way.
Then, I received an
email from a friend who basically told me that she could not be my friend
anymore because of my blog. Sadly, I had lied to her about my first two dates,
(who is honest about people they meet on line anyway?). I told her the dates
were set-ups and not what they were: Craigslist arrangements. So, she sent me
an email with a WordPerfect letter attached, which I could not open for hours
because I only had Microsoft Office on my computer. When I finally did open it,
it said that she could not support me in my project; she did not think it was
good, and she needed time away from me. Of course, the why of it was never
mentioned. She went on to tell me that she did not want to sound condescending
or judgmental, which basically meant to me that she was judging me and thought
less of me for doing this. All this attached to an email in an outdated word
processing format. No call, no consideration of maybe telling me this
information in person.
This is a woman who I
have referred to as my “BFF” for years. I had, on many occasions forgiven her
shortcomings and mistakes. I had gone to people’s houses for her to get things
when she was too scared to go herself. I had comforted her when her dogs died,
listened to her when she ranted about all of her workplace problems, and put up
with her ginormous mood swings which seemed to occur for no reason whatsoever.
Why? It is what friends do.
I have to say, since I
have started my blog, I have learned about myself. I have changed and
recognized in my otherwise incidental actions my frailties and my strength.
What does all of this tell me? I believe it tells me one of two things: I am
either A: On the right track because the huge changes I am making in my life
are allowing me to be more of the person I want to be, or, 2: I am on a path
paved with good intentions which will eventually lead me to hell and I will
burn for eternity in its fiery depths. Though, for the record, I do not believe
in hell.
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