Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Date #1: Too Old for a Casual Attitude

So, while I was traveling around craigslist, I found an ad that was hilarious. It basically described a man who had a whole list of what he didn’t want: girls singing into his phone, going crazy on him, or squirting into his mouth after he orally pleasured them. I thought this was hysterical, so I sent him an email and set up a date. Initially, it was kind of slow going to set up because I was so busy with all the idiots looking for the fabled stupid, young, big-breasted sexual dynamo I had advertised myself as. But we eventually set up a date for 7:30 am on a Sunday for breakfast. Yes, 7 fucking 30. He was going to see Wicked later that day and wanted to leave plenty of time. He told me that he would pick me up in his “beamer” in a chat session we had participated in earlier in the week. My response was that I would never stop laughing at him. He assumed it was because I thought it stereotypical that an Asian man would own a BMW, but I was laughing because he actually used the term “beamer”.

He picked me up bright and early, of course he awoke me first by texting me even earlier to find out if I was actually going to go out with him. I texted him back that I would after I got some more sleep. As promised, a little “beamer” pulled up outside my apartment, so I ran out and jumped in. I was wearing combat boots, a plaid skirt, and a blue top. He was wearing designer jeans which looked as though they had been pressed, a V-neck sweater, and very nice leather shoes. He also clearly had put more product in his hair that morning than I had used in mine in the last ten years.

His car was clean. I felt very awkward, so I decided to break the tension with sarcasm. I pointed out the fact that it was ironic that he drove a top-of-the-line BMW, though he was an environmental scientist. He tried to argue by saying that every part of his “beamer” was recyclable, but when I asked if he was planning on recycling every part after he was through with it, he confessed that was not his plan. Tension broken.

As we drove to the restaurant we spoke of the hypocrisies of life, whether or not having kids was a good idea, (he had them, I didn’t), and how he could never be a fan of the White Sox because they were in the same league as the Mariners. He talked about his divorces, I spoke of mine, we talked about food, sports, alcohol, and I found myself unusually comfortable with him by the time we arrived at the restaurant.

We sat down, and he told me he was on a fast and could only order certain foods. This amused me, as a good friend of mine had just completed a ten day fast, and by the end of it, had had murder in her eyes. His fast was to last for a month, but unlike hers, allowed him to eat. He ordered the oatmeal, I ordered the French toast with lots of syrup and a side of bacon. I am not the kind of person who will change my diet to make another more comfortable. So, as we sat there, we spoke at length about relationships and food. It was really a relief to me that he understood what good food is. There is nothing more depressing than asking someone what their favorite restaurant is, and the brainwashed, mutant of mediocrity offers up an answer like: “Applebees”.

As we spoke of what we were both looking for, it was clear he was looking for an LTR (long term relationship) and I was absolutely not. This was the part of the date that made the whole experience worthwhile. After I told him I was only dating casually, not really looking for a boyfriend, his exact words to me were:
“Aren’t you a bit old to have that type of attitude?”
Yes ladies and gentlemen, he did.

To which I replied:
“Dude, you are older than me.”

Yes, he was indeed six years my senior, and I thought, a salient point. But no, I had completely misconstrued his perspective, because then he said the thing that pretty much pushed me right over the edge:
“Yes, but I’m a man.”

This is it. This was not unbelievable, this was not even shocking. This was the attitude I had been picking up from most men on CL when they were being honest.

After we finished, he drove me home and of course requested that I have sex with him. When I refused, he went about trying to convince me that I in some way needed him. Sadly, he did not realize that he was talking to a woman who is pathologically independent. Probably one of the reasons I think dating casually is such a good idea.

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  1. You just might be my new hero. Actually, no, you were my hero before; but this just upped the ante.

    Can you send me a picture of your boobs?

  2. I'm chronically independent...yet utterly romantic. So many parts seem at odds..and I would absolutely do this, I would find it amusing, but I've got a sweetheart. So I will live vicariously through you.

  3. Ha....sounds like we're doing the exact same thing...but you're more straight forward and honest than I am. Fun read...I cross linked you on my blog:


  5. Seriously dont worry about looking casual

  6. excuse me however i strongly believe each individual in this world needs a chance, plese be considerate, thank you

  7. the guy seems unreliable. I would not date him again. Beamers are for guys with poor auto repair skills, cause you cant fix beamers, so you just have to get another new one. Actually. I would only date truckers, if I were you, first of all.
    But the guy is seriously confused, at least he confused me. But now I think I figured it out. He says he wants LTR, then want to fuck at end of date?
    I sense a disconnect. that would have been a good moment to ask him if he was in touch with his feelings, and, although i really like your work, Sara, I am sorry to have to tell you at that moment, you blew it.
    And he says you are too old to want casual date, then he wants a casual date, and casual sex? I dont get it. Maybe he didnt really own that beamer. He sounds , from subtle clues I can pick up in his described mannerisms, like he is wayward Amish, on the downlow, on some sort of spree, escaping, probably has a beard in the trunk, and his horse harness, black hat and abacus.
    Cause the dude is too obsessed with your age, but then it obviously turns him on to the fever pitch that you are such an untamed renegade future housewife. That is my take on it.

  8. That is really amazing, leaping slug. I never really saw it that way, but now that you mention it.....