Thursday, May 7, 2009

Speed Bumps

There are times in your life when bad things rain down on you like hellfire. It is during these times where you just have to keep your head down, remember who you are, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Very recently, the universe decided to test my grit and throw some shit my way that would push anyone to the limits of reason. Of course I am aware that nothing “happens” to anyone; I have had a hand in bringing everything that has befallen me onto my head, and as the truest of my friends have reminded me, this is what happens when you are the man.
I think I have mentioned earlier in my blog that I am an asshole. If I haven’t, I am stating this fact now. Clearly, there are issues I am working out still that keep me from being as kind to people as I could be. So, last week, my wasband called me at work to let me know what a horrible person I was for sending him the link to my blog. (I told you, I am clearly an asshole). He went on and on telling me that I wasn’t the person he used to know, that I would have never done this to someone when he knew me, that basically, I am a shitshow. I am sure you can imagine. I told him I agreed, I was sorry, I made a mistake, and that I was fucked up. I admitted all of this to him, but he would not let up, and at a certain point, I had to hang up on him. Yes, again, I know. I am not kind. Well, it doesn’t really stop there.
While I cannot go into the exact details of this, something at my job exploded in my face, making a workplace that I have loved quite hard to work in. Basically, I caught a co-worker stealing and came forward with the information.  When my boss confronted him, instead of owning up to it, he instead disparaged me by telling her that I was having sex with one of his employees, some of the students at the University where I work, and I, myself, was guilty of stealing.  Typical; accuse a man of theft and he calls you a whore.  Instead of firing him, she kept him on and started investigating his allegations, which unfortunately bought him enough time to steal more stuff and make my life at work incredibly difficult to bear.  Again, in this situation, I did things to bring this about; I knew there would be consequences for my actions, but, I partook in them anyway, believing my actions to be in the name of justice. Somehow I had forgotten that justice is blind (or is that love?). Either way.
Then, I received an email from a friend who basically told me that she could not be my friend anymore because of my blog. Sadly, I had lied to her about my first two dates, (who is honest about people they meet on line anyway?). I told her the dates were set-ups and not what they were: Craigslist arrangements. So, she sent me an email with a WordPerfect letter attached, which I could not open for hours because I only had Microsoft Office on my computer. When I finally did open it, it said that she could not support me in my project; she did not think it was good, and she needed time away from me. Of course, the why of it was never mentioned. She went on to tell me that she did not want to sound condescending or judgmental, which basically meant to me that she was judging me and thought less of me for doing this. All this attached to an email in an outdated word processing format. No call, no consideration of maybe telling me this information in person.
This is a woman who I have referred to as my “BFF” for years. I had, on many occasions forgiven her shortcomings and mistakes. I had gone to people’s houses for her to get things when she was too scared to go herself. I had comforted her when her dogs died, listened to her when she ranted about all of her workplace problems, and put up with her ginormous mood swings which seemed to occur for no reason whatsoever. Why? It is what friends do.
I have to say, since I have started my blog, I have learned about myself. I have changed and recognized in my otherwise incidental actions my frailties and my strength. What does all of this tell me? I believe it tells me one of two things: I am either A: On the right track because the huge changes I am making in my life are allowing me to be more of the person I want to be, or, 2: I am on a path paved with good intentions which will eventually lead me to hell and I will burn for eternity in its fiery depths. Though, for the record, I do not believe in hell.

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