Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I feel like I will have to learn the same lessons over and over again, painfully, until either death takes me or I have a coma inducing stroke, leaving me in a vegetative state for the rest of my pathetic life. After I emailed Seven, told him about Reginald, and he read my blog, he ended it. Of course, it hurt more than I would ever let on to him or anyone else, because I was too busy acting cavalier about the whole thing. After I sent him the email, he told me he was upset, but did not want to end our relationship. After he read the blog, he ended it, letting me know that it did “not make him feel special”. Pretty ironic, really, when what I had wanted from him was to feel more special, but of course, I had agreed, categorically, to settle for less. I agreed to only see him once a week, I agreed to not want more after it was clear I could not have it, I agreed to settle for less than what I wanted from him. This is why this is my fault entirely.

A few weeks ago, Seven made a comment to me that indicated he was hoping still to meet someone more suited to him. While this is the reality of what used to be our relationship, it hurt me. I could tell that he was upset that it hurt me, so I blew it off and pretended it didn’t matter to me, that I could settle for less and it would be fine.

Then, instead of telling Seven before I had sex with Reggie, I told him after, and let him find out, via blog, that I had in fact had sex with him the entire weekend before I went out on a date with him. The reality here is that while it did not make him feel special to be treated that way, I was acting very much like I was not special.

So, to recap, I hurt someone I cared for very much all because I would not own up to my own feelings of wanting to feel special to someone, and then ended up proving, to him and to myself, that I do not deserve it.

To add insult to injury, John then emailed and told me that he was upset that I had reconsidered my invitation to a second date, felt blindsided by the blog, and let me know that what I thought was a kiss was actually going to be a hug, and that I should not let my ego get the better of me.

Of course, after this, he invited me to read parts of my blog on a radio show he works on, “Livewire”, in July, making me feel even worse, as he was still being nice to me, and of course, I was still the asshole. This is much the same with Seven. He thanked me for the time we had spent together, said he had appreciated it, that he was going to keep my art hung where he and his daughter had placed it together. There is nothing that makes you feel shittier than when the people who you treated badly are big enough to turn around and still be completely decent and kind to you. I find it hysterical that I ended my last blog entry with “everything felt more in order and I, more in control.” Yeah, more in control, sure. At the rate I’m going, I would have to do at least 20 more dates in order to learn this awful lesson. With any luck, this will cause me so much pain that the next time I want someone to be nice to me, I will ask. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

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1 comment:

  1. Editor's Note:
    A day after I posted this, I felt quite differently from the views expressed therein. As I am a truth worshipper however, I thought it best to keep it posted and merely refine the message: I should have been more honest and brave. Being a chickenshit has never worked out for me, and this is further proof that this holds true. It would have been nice to know more myself, but again, not everything is within my control.